Never Let You Go
by SanityisfortheSane
Summary: (Prime Verse, set after episode: One Shall Rise Part 3. MegatronxOrion AU SLASH) Megatron has Orion back and is plagued by conflicting feelings of love and hatred for the mech he once deeply cared about.
1. Chapter 1

**"Never Let You Go" **

(Written in Megatron's POV, set after _One Shall Rise Part 3_)

Energy raged through me like a torrent, the blood of Unicron at its strongest ever. I felt the power surge pulsate across my entire frame like lightning. I almost lost control, but had quickly regained my will as the Prime released the matrix into the chaos bringer's dark spark. My blade was lifted high and ready to come down, ready to strike with my own intention. I Megatron, found myself at the golden opportunity to end my greatest frustration. But when my sword did come down, calling for the energon of my oldest enemy to spill, I faltered

Those putrid blue optics stared back at me with a painful innocence, resurfacing memories long forgotten, pushed away. They held a gaze of both puzzlement and a familiar helplessness. This was no longer the Optimus I had come to know, to fight, to hate. He looked up at me like a lost sparkling, the courage of a prime gone from that stare as if never there. He then spoke, muttering a name in confusion that deceived my own audios, caused me to stop dead in my tracks.

"Megatronus..?" He mumbled clearly disoriented. That name I hadn't been associated with in centuries sent an ache through my spark. Why it had affected me so I couldn't discern, knowing that what once was, was all in the past and shouldn't. Looking in those optics though, the searing ache compelled me otherwise. I reached my hand down and helped my enemy, _my old friend_, to his feet.

"It's okay Orion…" I vented shakily, the sound of his old name filling me with yet another nostalgic pang. "Come, we must get out of here." I held onto his servo, helping him along quickly as the rest of the Autobots caught up. They pulled their guns on me as the space bridge opened, only to be shocked as their leader left with me willingly.

They shrieked in disbelief and cursed as the portal closed behind us. Though normally I would grin at the amusement of a victory over the pathetic fools, my attention was drawn to the mech who now clung tightly to my servo with his own. It sent a familiar tremor through to my processor, shocking and comforting at the same time. I cringed as my emotions contorted between these old reawakened feelings to that of how I more recently felt. Emotions that I had thought were long dead and gone fought to the surface of my processor, my mind in turmoil, I begun to question my sanity.

As we boarded the nemesis a fearful look crossed his face-plate, to my further amusement he even cowered when my soldiers pointed their weapons at him, gripping my servo even tighter. No, this certainly was no prime, this was the young clerk who loved knowledge and hated violence. This was the mech I once called my friend… once spent quantities of time together with. I commanded my soldiers to stand down, explained to them no harm was to come to my guest, or so help me I'd rip out their optics and play a human sport of golf with them.

"Orion Pax is _my_ guest and shall be treated with the utmost respect you have to offer." I made very clear, adding a glare that would disallow anyone to test my patience. Bewilderment rippled through the ranks, uneasiness evident in each individual con there. I ignored it though, and led Orion out of the main bridge, telling him about our cause, the evil Autobots, and their propaganda.

"This war has been going on since your disappearance." I continued, watching his intrigued expression as I rambled. "I can only dream of one day having peace from this ongoing nightmare." I only half lied, knowing that the kind of peace I sought was not recommended.

"Someday, Megatronus." He smiled up at me, increasing the growing ache in my chassis. "I know that you'll find peace; that a solution to the violence will be found and we can return home." He said with hope, but a hope I knew was hopeless. The naïve mind behind Orion's statement had no idea. I could only return his smile with my own of fraudulence, silently contemplating my inner motives. Having the Orion I once knew back, before he had betrayed my friendship and became the prime I loathed, gave me contradicting feelings of anger and remorse. I couldn't be angry with him though, as I felt the tug of another long forgotten feeling at my spark. Primus, it was sickening. I felt myself at the edge of a cliff, wanting to kill this mech who made me feel this way, but at the same time… love him.

When I looked at him now, I saw both what he had become and what once was. My spark was tearing in two on the inside as he continued to talk of restoring Cybertron once this war was over, of returning home together, sounding exactly as he had all those years ago. Maybe bringing him back here wasn't such a good idea. I couldn't bring myself to do otherwise though, something within wouldn't let me.

I led him to his own new quarters, one of the spare rooms that sat vacant for other Decepticon officers who may arrive. He thanked me earnestly for the room, and said goodnight before I left. To my utter horror, however, he also bid me farewell with a soft hug. I nearly had a spark attack, managing to stand there frozen in shock. He just smiled though, either not noticing or maybe simply ignoring my discomfort as he closed the door.

As I walked back to my quarters my thoughts raced more than ever. That soft intimate gesture had sent my emotions off the deep end. No longer could I control myself as I hurried myself along as quickly as I could without drawing any attention. Primus I just wanted to scream! It was my more favored way of releasing tension to yell, especially when Starscream wasn't around.

When I finally reached my quarters I slammed the door shut behind me and brought my servos to my face. What was going on with me? This was Optimus Prime for Primus' sake, making me feel all, dare I admit, weak! I punched the wall in an attempt to release the manifested rage that collected in my inability to cope with this madness. I left my fist there for a klik and exhaled deeply before walking over and sitting on my berth. It was all too much to take in. Maybe after a decent recharge I could think properly. I closed my optics and tried to relax, but found that when I did, all I could see was him. My teeth ground uncomfortably as I tried to force the image away. His smile though, stuck in my mind like a deeply embedded thorn I could not reach. It was far too rooted to be ousted so easily, but I was too stubborn to give in and pushed him away until I at last sank into recharge.

That night however, I slept terrible, tossed and turned uncontrollably. Images assaulted my processor one after the other like a violent tempest. I saw Orion, the council, the primes, all flashing by in different disturbing visions. The dreams were vivid and horrific, like nothing I had experienced before. In one I stood tied to a post in the pits of Kaon encircled by the 13 primes who each took turns at stabbing me, speaking in an archaic language I couldn't discern. Another I saw Orion standing alone, who turned and smiled at me only to fade and turn to ash as I watched myself from a third perspective drive my blade through him. I remembered screaming in protest, trying to reach out for him, but I was only returned with a malicious grin from the other me who held up the sword, dripping with Orion's energon, in triumph.

I shot awake panting in a shaken state, traumatized by the images. Something was very wrong with me, Megatron did not have nightmares. Dreams though, I knew, are often the visions of the subconscious, of one's very own fears. I got up and made my way over to the mirror in the corner and stared at my reflection. When I looked though, I saw the face of a killer, Orion's murderer from the dream. I tried to push the thought away, taking a long swig from an energon cube. The smooth texture of the fluid was a comfort, though I knew that I needed something stronger to aid this sickness. It was no time for high grade unfortunately, as it was about time I headed out to resume command.

Reluctantly I left my quarters, hesitating on my decision to even to just have a little bit of high grade. The decision I would later regret as a sharp cold feeling struck me at the approach of Orion's room. My eyes widened as this feeling of anxiety took over, an unwanted and foreign feeling. Nonetheless I knocked on the door and waited, the sense of anticipation never leaving no matter how hard I tried to brush it off.

The door opened and I was greeted by that smiling face that killed me. On the inside I was faced with the ache that burned like frozen fire, searing my systems in an attempt to run me into the ground. If I hadn't so much self control, I swear I would have melted down right there. I'm sure any normal mech would have, given the circumstances, but I held rigid and strong keeping the feelings at bay.

"Good morning, Megatronus." He greeted laying a servo on my forearm. The warmth it gave off eased the ache and I relaxed a bit, smiling a returned greeting. "I trust you slept well?" I asked him, getting away from the thought of my own failed recharge.

"Yes, thank you." He replied. "I can't thank you enough for the room. I wish there was something I could do for you."

I blinked, my mind going other places, but refocused with an idea. "Oh it's no trouble really. Anything for a… _friend."_ I assured him, the last word sliding off my glossa like a knife. "But I could use your help with something."

"There's a particular project that your skills would be quite useful with." I explained as we walked to a particular room.

We both walked into a small computer lab with large screens on the back wall. I typed in a few codes bringing up the files on the Iacon Relics. "Well, what do you think?" I asked him, watching his face as he scanned over the glyphs. "I will see what I can do." He responded, beginning to go through the files. "Good." I stated. "Then I shall leave you to it. If you need anything, I'm only a comm. link call away" I told him before exiting.

Before I left to the main bridge, I posted two guards at the door. "Don't let anything happen to him." I commanded, "No one is allowed to enter this room."

The two vehicons quickly saluted me in acknowledgment. "Yes Lord Megatron." They said in unison, standing at ready. I left them in charge of protecting Orion, having my doubts about the Autobot leader's safety on this ship with even my order in place that he was untouchable. It would not surprise me if an of my soldiers broke rank to engage him in revenge for things he doesn't even know he did anymore. That was my biggest problem, the fact that Orion had no idea who he really was, trapped in the past of a much better time.

I entered the bridge and took my place at the front, getting my priorities straight in my head. It wasn't long before I found myself routed into my usual routine, yelling at soldiers and keeping an eye out for any unwanted Autobot activity. Of course in the back of my mind, I still felt the traces of my mental predicament prod at my conscious. I tried to ebb it away, look for a distraction, but with nothing else to conquer my attention I found myself yet again being bombarded by my thoughts. The image of Orion's dying face from my dream returned with an icy pang. I blanked out, watched it replay in my head over and over again. I focused on his optics, the light they held, watched as it faded, felt myself fade with them. It was then I realized, I never wanted him dead. All that had happened since then blew away with the ashes and I knew it was no longer what I wanted, but now what I feared most. How many vorns had gone by and I only now relinquished that I could never let him go.

It was now so obvious to me, that I had never stopped loving him. Had he not returned to me as Orion Pax I may have never realized, though maybe it would have been better if I hadn't. Nonetheless it was useless for me to continue to waste time to dwell on, what mattered was the here and now, not how it could've or should've been. Primus, maybe it was even a second chance, though I do not believe in such occurrences. At least now I knew the full reason for this ache, and what must be done to end it.

Upon returning to check on Orion that evening, I hesitated by the door and watched as he worked. It reminded me of the days I visited him at the Iacon hall of records, how I used to catch him by surprise in his workplace. The ache that plagued me turned into a familiar warmth and I approached him quietly, slowly wrapping my arms around his mid section and rested my head on his shoulder.

"Megatronus?" He startled, taken off guard by my arrival. I only chuckled and nuzzled his neck cables, smelling his rustic attractive odor that hadn't changed after all these years. "Orion…" I said enjoying the moment. "It's been far too long since I've been able to spend quality time with you."

He seemed taken aback and sunk into my embrace "I missed you too." He replied in a silky voice. I felt him tilt his head up and look up at me, in which I stared back and got lost in his beautiful blue optics. Those optics which have haunted me, that pained me each time I looked into them, but that also brought me the greatest comfort. Looking into them I saw everything, all the moments we shared, from the day I first met him, the good days back on Cybertron, to the many times I held my blade to his throat. That violence left my spark as I pressed my lips to his, felt him give in at my mercy. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him, and that was all it took for me to let go of the last of my grievances. If I could I would have held him there like that forever, our lips locked in a reignited passion. When we eventually broke apart, I wanted nothing more than to resume. I placed a servo on the side of his helm which he leaned into and placed a light kiss, a gleam in his optics as he stared into mine.

"I love you Orion…" I managed to let out in a raspy tone. It felt so strange to say, but I meant it. "I know." He replied continuing to gaze at me with soft intent. "I love you too." He added, the words piercing me to my core.

We both retuned to my quarters and crashed on the berth. He laid beneath me, as I assaulted him with kisses leading down his neck cables. I stopped and chewed in the nook where it met his shoulder plating, lightly as not to pierce him with my fangs. Soft moans escaped him as I did so, and I reveled in the sweet sounds. His legs twisted around my abdomen and held me closer, our pelvic plating brushing against each other. I left his neck cables and returned to his mouth, nipping at his lower lip until he allowed me entrance. My glossa pushed in and roamed around, tasting what belonged to me. Muffled moans escaped his throat, and I returned them with a guttural growl. My hips ground into him as our kiss deepened, and I felt his servos grip at my shoulders. His optics were hazy with pleasure, a light blush now present on his face that mixed well with his innocent expression. I pulled away and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before bringing myself down to his pelvic plating. I heard him gasp as I opened his valve cover, and glanced up asking for permission. He nodded, and I resumed the course of action, my glossa licking lightly over his entrance before delving in. As I lapped up his lubricants he whined and trembled. His hips tried to buck, but I managed to hold them steady.

All of my tension had disappeared from earlier, and all I could think of was pleasing my lover. My glossa dipping in and out of him, I relished the taste and the pleasing squeaks I earned from him. "Megatronus…" He moaned loudly, squirming in my grasp. "Please, I-I need you." He begun to beg, the amount of lubricants that dripped from him encouraging.

"Please what?" I teased, leaving his valve and licking down his inner thigh. I watched his face contort into one of frustration, his optics shutting tightly for a nanoklik only to open and look at me with a pleading stare. Though normally I would not give in so easily, I allowed my spike to pressurize. "Are you absolutely sure?" I asked, positioning myself above him, my helm pressed against his softly. "Yes." He replied, shuddering as my tip grazed his entrance. "Megatronus, ahh, please…" He moaned, further encouraging me. I took his lips again as I begin to slowly push in, being as gentle as possible. As my length stretched him, I saw the look of pain cross his face plate. I grimaced and begun whispering sweet nothings between kisses.

"Orion." I vented, enjoying the sound of his name off my lips. "Bear with me, the pain will subside soon." I hushed as my spike filled him entirely. His servos gripped my shoulders tightly, almost leaving dents. We both lay there for a moment as I allowed him to adjust. The feeling of his valve clamped around me sent tremors of static through my systems. I willed myself not to move yet though, fearing I would hurt him even more.

He motioned that it was okay for me to move, but I hesitated before beginning to pull out. I paid close attention to his face as I did so, and only when I realized he was no longer in pain did I begin to thrust. I started at a slow pace, still worried, but gradually quickened as I gained more confidence that he was fine.

The generous amount of lubricant Orion was secreting allowed for my spike to slide smoothly in and out of him. The sensation of his valve clenching around my spike sent me into bliss, causing me to pound into him harder. His mouth hung open wide and his optics lulled back in ecstasy. I pushed in as deep as I could before pulling halfway out just to slam it back inside him. An animalistic drive came over me, and all I could think about was fragging his hard drive senselessly.

A charge began to build, and I felt myself getting close knowing that he must have been as well. He moaned and gasped beneath me, panted as I pounded him into the berth. I grunted with each thrust, gripped his hips as I continued with a vigorous passion. One last long hard thrust and I spilled my fluids into him, causing us both to overload. The static flitted through our systems in a delightful buzz. With my spike still inside him I thrusted a few more times getting the last of the friction before crashing next to him. Exhausted, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me. "I'll never let you go." I mumbled into his audio processor. "Never." I repeated, holding him as close I could. "I already lost you once… I won't let it happen again."

I realized he hadn't heard me, already deep in recharge from exhaustion. I found myself unable to join him in that sweet slumber though, feeling a dormant fear resurface. What would I do if, when he regained his memories? Would he remember any of this, and if he did what would he think of me then? There was no way to tell what would happen now, but I knew deep down in my subconscious that it couldn't end well…

* * *

Feels feels feels! These two, I swear to primus... I just can't! D:  
Probably one of my major OTP's here is MegatronxOrion Pax/Optimus Prime, so naturally I had to write some emotional moop for this pairing. I went with Meagtron's POV for this one cause I love to put the heartless warlord through emotional pain. What can I say, I'm a sadist. Oops.

Seriously though, the idea of Megatron having these kinds of feeling buried within him under that gladiator exterior is a thought-provoking concept. I have an obsession with emotions, particularly the darker less understandable ones, heh. Tell me what you think, I love to hear from my readers!~


	2. Chapter 2

**"Never Let You Go" **

That morning I awoke to the surprise of Orion's warm frame next to my own. I had almost forgotten, my mind a fog as my systems fully rebooted, of our rendezvous the previous night. He still was in a peaceful recharge and I stroked him lightly down his back with a servo. The temptation to remain on the berth with him was almost too great, but I knew I couldn't stay. With utmost reluctance I sat up on the edge of the berth and sighed, watching Orion's intakes. I wouldn't dare wake him, and I'd never admit that half the reason was because he looked so beautiful in recharge.

Before leaving I took one last glance at him before heading out the door, keeping the image of him in my processor. Thinking of him made me feel… happy. It was a strange foreign feeling that I had not felt in a long time. Of course my mood was quickly ruined when upon reaching the bridge I saw Autobot signals dancing across the main screen. I grunted in aggravation and ground my teeth. They could not have their Optimus back; he belonged to me now, like he always should have. I turned and barked commands at the vehicons on standby.

"You two! Get the rest of your battalion and intercept those Autobots!" I watched as they clumsily got to together and ran off. I sighed, wondering why I even bothered with the useless drones before comming Knockout.

"Knockout, you and Breakdown join the vehicons squad leaving. I want those Autobots dead!" I shrieked with almost alarm in my voice.

"Of course my liege, right away." Knockout responded hastily, ending transmission quickly before rushing through the space bridge with Breakdown.

I brought a servo to my forehead, stress already building up in the inevitable struggle I had started. Optimus…I grumbled to myself,, why did it have to be this way? The better question was why had I been stupid enough to start with this again. It hadn't worked with Orion in the past, so why did I hold onto such blithered memories? I knew what I was doing wasn't right, that he was no longer Orion, that his memories would eventually return and he'd be Optimus again. I didn't want that though, deep in my spark I just wanted my Orion back forever. I saw reflected in his optics the past of what we used to be, and I so deeply wanted to return to those times. To be Megatronus the gladiator once again, go back to those simple times and start over, if I could do that than maybe I could make things turn out differently.

I watched the blips on the screen and frowned. The vehicons dropped like flies, though that was no surprise. Knockout and Breakdown weren't faring much better to my disappointment and I grimaced as Soundwave opened the spacebridge marking their retreat. The two of them crashed on the floor with rapid intakes. I grimaced down at them and was about to shout, but I took a grumbled breath and stomped out of the room.

I heard silence engulf the room behind me, and knew they were baffled I hadn't exploded in a rage as I usually would. Truth be told, I was too distracted to care enough to deal with them. I felt detached from reality, the push and pull of my mental predicament dominating my senses. Orion was my mind's priority and nothing else. He had succeeded in taking over my thoughts and I felt nothing else.

As I walked through the halls it wasn't long until I bumped into him, surely on his way to return to working on the Iacon files. He smiled up at me in greeting, oblivious to my inner conflict. I grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss, overtaking his lips vigorously. I felt him sink into it as I pushed him up against the wall.

"Tronus..?" He mumbled questionably as I put him back down, turning away from him. "Megatronus, what's wrong?" He began to pry, laying a comforting servo on my shoulder and leaning me back towards him.

"Nothing… Orion." I lied, but my face betrayed that statement. He looked up at me with reflected pain in his optics, hurt that I was keeping something from him, that I wouldn't confide in him. He saw right through my deception, and I should have known he would. Orion had always had a keen eye.

"Who… Who is Optimus?" He asked taking me off guard. "You kept mumbling his name in your sleep." He still held a look of hurt on his face and his optics averted from mine.

For Primus sake! He was nervous that I was in love with another mech! I worried what other mutterings I could have spilled in my slumber, but pushed the thought away and focused on what to answer him with that wasn't suspicious sounding. The depressed look he had put on made that ache in my spark return, the cold pang of remorse.

"Optimus was a friend of mine." I stated uncertainly. "He… He disappeared one day."

Orion returned his gaze to mine and stared for a moment. "No, I can see it in your optics Megatronus, something is bothering you and I only wish you trusted me enough to tell me what exactly is going on with you.

"This Optimus is clearly someone important to you, and if you feel you can't talk about it with me then so be it." He finished and pushed past me in a huff.

I stood there astonished, pierced by his words like millions of small shards struck in my chassis. I had hurt him by not telling him the truth. The ache rooted around my spark and I felt the vines strangle throughout my systems. I couldn't tell him, surely he would think even worse of me than he did now.

The rest of the day droned on with a thick aura of tension in the air. My spark ached and as much as I tried to forget about it I found myself only making it worse. I began to run bizarre scenarios though my processor, trying to picture ways to solve my problem, to see everything turnout as I wished it would. I couldn't properly function like this, going through the day in a complete daze. Soundwave had noticed right away of course, he noticed everything. He was probably the only con who knew the exact reason for my behavior as well. Back then, he had been there too, before this whole thing broke out into a war. He and Orion had been my first supporters as I begun to preach about the erroneous ways of the old council. That had been just before Orion betrayed me of course, the reminder of that spiking through my spark with another sharp pang.

Soundwave tilted his helm at me with that knowing expression on his faceless helm that only I could read. He was worried about my well being now, saw right through my façade as I pretended that everything was normal and managed to appear unafflicted on the exterior. He approached me with the question from a friend who cared, was there for me to confide my troubles in. 'What's wrong?'I practically read his mind as I had always been able to do. Soundwave never needed to speak for me to understand him; I always knew what he wanted to say.

I closed my optics as if wishing the world around me would just disappear. I no longer wanted to deal with this, and I certainly didn't want to talk about it. Soundwave nodded and left the room, understanding that I simply needed to be left alone. When I opened my optics, I found that I was in complete solitude and sauntered over to the head of the bridge. Staring out the large window, I watched the night sky slowly mosey on past as the ship cut through the clouds. I felt myself enveloped in the image, wanted so badly to just sink into that sky and filter away with the clouds. If everything around me would just stop and fade away, then maybe I could be happy.

But what was happiness? I didn't know anymore, though I thought I had caught a glimpse of the feeling this morning. The image returned to my processor of Orion comfortably sprawled across my berth in a peaceful recharge. Now it just hurt to picture him again, and I scratched at my chest in retaliation to the phantom pains that haunted me. I left three long gashes running down my chassis deep enough for some energon to bleed through. The self inflicted wound barely stung in comparison to the wave of nausea I felt thinking about Optimus. I had been so distracted by this that I hadn't even heard the door creak open.

I felt his servo hesitantly touch my forearm; I didn't even need to turn to realize who it was. Nervousness streamed from his EM field with an almost apologetic undertone. I sighed and faced him, hearing a gasp of shock erupt from him as he stared at what I had done to myself. "It's just a scratch, Orion." I muttered seeing the shock in his optics flicker up to meet my own. "Megatronus… what did you do?" He questioned solemnly. "Why did you…?"

I reached for his servo and pulled it up to my lips, placing a light kiss. I couldn't think of how to answer his question, I wanted so desperately to tell him the truth, but that was even harder than lying to him. "It's nothing…" I told him senselessly and watched his eyes narrow. "Whatever is going on you can tell me!" He cried. "I don't care what it is, I'll always be here for you!" I averted my eyes. "No… you won't be, that's the problem." I slipped out, hoping I wouldn't regret it. He looked up at me with an even more confused expression, mouth open with no words escaping, speechless.

"We can't be together." I forced myself to say, feeling a tear in my spark. It could never work out between us and I knew it was better to end it now. If I let myself get too attached it would only hurt more later. I had to get it over with now before it escalated into a real disaster. I saw his optics begin to leak energon tears before he pushed off of me and ran out of the room. I knew that just now I had hurt him more than ever before and wanted more than anything to run after him and apologize. But I didn't, I knew that I couldn't in spite of the greater good.

Recharge was only but a memory of an elusive luxury. That night I rolled to and fro in the cold emptiness of my berth, the reignited ache in my spark keeping me from the temporary release of slumber. The room was dark, engulfed in the loneliest shade of a blue night, not even Earth's moon was around to break the all consuming void. I stared out the window in my room, stared into the nothing. The thought returned of wanting to disappear into that nothing and forget all the pain I knew. It wasn't that easy, though I could only wish it was.

I thought about him all night, cursing myself for what I had done. I had been an utter fool, hadn't even realized what I had been doing to Orion this whole time until now. I built him up, only to tear him down like that… ruined our chances to be together, but that's what I had wanted right? Then why did it hurt so much, being that I knew it had to be this way? I couldn't evade the feelings that I still wanted him. I felt my mind waning under the pressure of this conclusion and felt there was no escape to this madness. I wouldn't hurt him again though; I had to let him go.

I went the whole next day without seeing him, purposely avoiding him, which I'm sure he had been doing to me as well. It would have been much too awkward to confront him after yesterday's escapades. I had a couple drones oversee his work, but I knew exactly where he was anyway and couldn't help but stare at the door every time I passed. I felt myself almost being gravitated towards where he was, maybe even subconsciously going out of my way to pass by his location despite my intention to stay away. It was aggravating, a constant itch in the back of my mind irritating me to go see him. I wouldn't allow my feelings to rule me, though in the end I felt my resistance wouldn't be enough.

I turned back to Soundwave for assistance. He listened to the telling of my long suppressed emotional rant and hidden secrets I'd dare not tell any other spark. By the end of it he seemed a bit at a loss on his opinion of the matter. He was the only one who understood my roots to Optimus, and therefore wasn't terribly surprised by my feelings for him. When he was finished thinking he looked up at me with that face telling me I already knew what I had to do. I sighed, "It's not that simple Soundwave, and you know it" He only pointed in the direction where Optimus was insistently and played a recording from somewhere or other that stated: "talk to him."

I groaned in anticipation as my eyes darted towards where he pointed before returning my attention to him. He held a steady glance at me, unwavering underneath my questionable glare. I broke under his faceless stare, the emotions pushing up against where I had tried to seal them. "I don't understand this… it's too much for me to muster." I explained. "I can't stand the thought of being apart from him, but at the same time know it just cannot simply be." He looked empathetic then, well as empathetic as Soundwave could anyway and responded tentatively in his own voice, "Response: Do whatever feels right. Megatron: Should be happy." He stated earnestly, tilting his head in the direction he intended I should go.

"Thank you, Soundwave." I said, managing to give him a light smile. "You're right, I need to go make things right once and for all. But even if it's at the cost of my happiness, even if I lose Orion, I have to tell him the truth. I can't live with this lie anymore." I shook my head in disbelief of what I was saying, but at least now knew what I had to do. I stood and brought my destination into sight, leaving the comfort of my friend to confront the cause of all my troubles once and for all.

I hesitated at the door, listened to the hum of the machines coming from the room. Underneath those sounds I could make out the shifting sound of Orion's plating as he finished up his work for the night. I leaned against the door, re-debating on my decision. I didn't want to upset him again. Before I could decide the door opened and I nearly fell in, regaining my balance in shock. My own shock stared back at me reflected in Orion's eyes, who was just as stunned as I was. We just stared at each other for what seemed forever, an awkward silence an expansive divide between us.

"Orion." I began breaking that silence, and he looked at me apprehensively. I could see in his optics, the pain that I had caused him, the same that I had brought upon myself. I took a step forward and he stepped back, allowing me to close the door behind us. "We need to talk." I stated. His expression became more worried then, I saw confusion pass through him, but also that he was at least willing to listen, though it could have been because I was blocking the door and he had no choice.

"I know that I've been unfair to you recently. That I've hurt you." I said staring into his optics with genuine care. "It's unacceptable what I put you through… and I would understand if you never wanted to speak to me again. I wasn't thinking properly, I wasn't paying enough attention to what I was doing to you, preoccupied with what you were doing to me." He looked more interested then and blinked. "What do you mean by that?" He pried curiously. "You… you make me feel weak." I answered. "It hurt every time I thought about you, it still hurts now." I begun to pour my spark out then. "When you asked me who Optimus was, I couldn't take it!" I slashed my fist through the air dramatically, slamming it into the adjacent wall, causing him to flinch. 'Because I knew… that if I told you, I could lose you forever." My tone softened and his optics dilated. I sighed, "let me show you."

I lead him over to the monitor and pulled up files that Orion had previously been off limits too, been locked away under extensive codes thanks to Soundwave. They were all of the files we had collected on our Autobot enemies, an entire database keeping track of any intel found on any of them. I reluctantly pulled up the file I had not been looking forward to showing Orion, the file of the Autobot leader, Optimus Prime.

Orion stared at his digital profile like staring directly into a mirror. He looked over it, not saying a word, not letting on anything to what he was feeling. I watched his face in anticipation, waiting for him to turn and fire on me, thinking that maybe he'd try and scrap me right here. He didn't look at me and finally spoke, still intently staring at the file.

"This is why." He began to figure out. "Optimus… is me." He looked at me then with a face of disillusionment and deep thought. He said nothing else, returning his attention to the file and sorting through the rest of his team mates with a look of uncertainty. I watched as he did so, awkwardly standing on the side as the Prime tried to make sense of what he was presented with. Only after he had read through everything did he return his attention to me.

"What happened?" He asked. "Why can't I remember any of this… how did I end up back with you?" He brought a servo to his helm looking a tad faint. "Orion!" I grabbed him as he nearly fumbled over. He appeared dazed, the discovery of his true life too much on his processor possibly. I took him back to his room and laid him on his berth, scooting a chair up for myself to sit in. "Orion, shhh, rest easy now." I hushed, putting a servo to his helm. He looked at me with helpless blue optics, looking a tad feverish. "You stay right here, I'll get the medic." I told him, rushing out the door and towards the medbay.

Knockout looked at me astonished as I burst through the door. "Uh. L-Lord Megatron!" He stated surprised and quickly stood. "I was just… I-" He began to fuddle over words but I quickly interrupted him. "Optimus is in need of immediate medical attention!" I commanded. "Get over there this instant!"

He quick grabbed an emergency kit and was soon racing down the hallway towards Optimus's quarters. I trailed right on his heels, not getting there fast enough to my liking. When we arrived Optimus lay looking even worse in such a short period of time. Knockout was at his side quickly diagnosing the problem. I stood on the sidelines pacing irritably, regretting yet another decision I had made. "This is all my fault…" I kept muttering under my breath, which eventually led Knockout to kicking me out.

"I can't work like this, wait outside!" He had said, ousting me from the room. I didn't like not being able to see him. I knew that I would only get in the doctors way though, and there was no room for mistakes in this matter. Whatever was wrong with Optimus, I was entirely to blame. The stress began to build up in my own processor and I myself begun to feel faint, I wouldn't leave Optimus's door though and stayed. I felt myself begin to sway and sat down outside the door before blacking out, sinking into the emptiness I had been longing.

* * *

Primus, sorry this took so long. ^^' Been so busy and unmotivated to write anything lately, I hope this chappy was okay! The next one should be out soon, I'm working a little bit on it tonight before I crash. So sometime this week it should be out hopefully :) Would love some reviews, they motivate me to write more!

_Megatron: Review this or me and Orion may never be together again! :(_  
_Sanity: It's okay Megsy, I don't hold chapters hostage for reviews like some other writers. XD  
Megatron: Well, then I'll just blast them with my fusion cannon!  
__Sanity: That's not right either! D:_

_Orion: Please review :) _

**~Reviewers~**

**Leviprime- **Yup, gotta love all them feels! They're so terrible but I can't get enough of them at the same time!


	3. Chapter 3

**"Never Let You Go" **

An iridescent light blared in my optics as I came to. I shoved it away angrily before realizing what was going on. Knockout, who had come to my aid, was now toppled over on the floor where I had pushed him, muttering something or other about needing another buffing. I stared at the doctor, still a tad out of sorts from my rude awakening, before quickly rising to my pedes in alarm.

"Optimus, how is he!?" I nearly shouted at the medic. Knockout cowered, still a heap on the floor, but was aided by Breakdown who I only just noticed was there as well. He helped Knockout to his feet whilst responding to my question, "He's fine, sleeping. You should lower your voice if you don't wish to wake him." He added, "He's just a bit fatigued is all."

"Thank you, nurse~" Knockout replied sarcastically before turning his attention back to me. "Apparently both you and Optimus aren't getting enough recharge." He stated with a sardonic grin. "I admit I was a bit worried when Breakdown informed me that you had crashed out here" He paused. "But it seems you are quite fine." He noted, rubbing his aft where he had fallen. "I would suggest taking it easy though, my lord. Too much stress on top of not recharging can result in instances of blacking out like this, as well as headaches, fever… the list goes on." He added. "Optimus should be up and running within the hour, but I think you should let him be for the day."

I nodded, taking in all that he had said. "Of course, Knockout. I wouldn't want to stir up anything in his current condition." I said with a worried feeling picking at the back of my helm. "You are certain he is absolutely fine?" I inquired with suspicion. I couldn't help but be paranoid, especially with all the guilt I felt for putting Optimus in this place to begin with. The doctor nodded reassuring me. "His vitals are all normal, there's nothing physically wrong with him other than exhaustion. I'll keep an eye on him throughout the day, you should go rest." He assured, further insisting on my own health. "Alright." I submitted, heading back to my own room despite my yearning to stay.

As much as I wanted to be by his side, I knew it wasn't the logical choice. So I lay there in my berth yet again, my thoughts circling around in my processor like that of a predacon circling its prey. Nothing could satisfy my displeasure, the ache I had created. It had only grown in power since nestling its way into my programming, gotten stronger with each mistake I made regarding Optimus. I just laid there and endured it though; it was all I could do. Knockout was right, I needed to relax, but found that impossible. The soothing release I required was all but too elusive, suppressed by my feelings of remorse and failure. This whole charade was taking its toll on me, and I was sure it must have been affecting Optimus as well. The thought of his pain only compelled the ache in my spark to a greater extent of misery.

I was exhausted, my recharge cycles being just as erratic as my thoughts. Physically I had been becoming weaker, the stress weighing over me like that of Unicron's diabolical control. No, this was much worse than even the pain Unicron could inflict. There was nothing I could find greater than the effect Optimus had on me. There was nothing that brought me more pain… or more happiness.

No longer could I just lay there in waiting. Further my emotions compelled me to do their bidding, and I rose from my berth. The doctor's orders rang but an echo in my mind that went ignored as I shuffled past vehicons through the halls. They darted clumsily out of my way as I strode past, my steady gaze holding firm on my destination. I was however suddenly stopped in my quest by an echo.

"Where do you think you're going?", came the all too real voice of Knockout who stood looking up at me, arms crossed with a face of knowing discontent. I grumbled, at a loss of words, caught in the act like a sparkling's servo in a jar of energon goodies. He tapped his foot disappointedly and tsked. "Now now, my Leige. I don't know what's going on between you and big red, but you'll have to put it on hold for a while. One day. Just one day, please?" He insisted. "It's for the better of both of you, you know."

"I know Knockout…" I reluctantly hissed. "but I can't just-" I began but was interrupted. "Ah, ah." The doctor protested. "No means no, and besides he's still sleeping. I ran a few more tests, he's gone to into a serious stasis. I was on my way to inform you-" I interrupted than. "What do you mean by serious!?" I shouted angrily at only finding this out now. "Master, please calm down. His vitals still read as normal, it's just…"

"Just what!?" I shouted again, failing to hide my alarm anymore. I was completely ballistic. Things had gotten even worse than I had suspected them to be. I was nearly about to strangle Knockout had it not been for my reignited fear of Optimus's condition. I tried to calm myself, taking a deep intake before letting the doctor finish what he had tried to tell me.

Knockout looked up at me with a new fear predominant in his optics. "Optimus, has gone into a coma."

* * *

Alright, really short filler chapter guys. Sorry about the shortness, but on the bright side I've posted this only 2 days after my last update. That's pretty quick, no?  
Poor doc knock is so confused on why my Megs cares so much, to him Optimus is still just another Autobot. He's more afraid Megs is gonna beat the slag outta him, rather than OP kicking the bucket. lol -Sanity

_Knockout: I think our lord has sprung a loose gasket... honestly what is his deal with Optimus of all bots?_  
_Breakdown: Who knows, who cares. As long as we don't get blamed its of no concern to us._  
_Sanity: You guys are horrible... oh, and p.s. Soundwave is watching._  
_Knockout+Breakdown: oh slag..._

_Megatron: Review or end up like these two fools! *knockout and Breakdown both lay unconscious*  
Sanity: *facepalms* what am I gonna do with you..._

**~Reviewers safe from Megatron's Wrath~**

LeviPrime

Kuurankukka

DragoPrime


	4. Chapter 4

**"Never Let You Go"**

At the opening of the door, I was greeted by the sight of his dormant form, deep in recharge as Knockout had said. I approached the berth as calmly as I could in my state of distress. Taking a seat in a chair, I leaned up as close I could against the berth, taking Orion's limb servo within my own. I clasped it gently between my own two robust servos, holding onto it in hopes of breaking him from slumber.

Knockout watched from the doorframe. I felt his presence, but did not care the slightest. It was no longer important who knew how much I cared for this mech and Knockout of all cons knew not to question me. Clearly he was surprised though, dipping his helm in realization of why I had been so panicked before silently slipping out of the room. He said nothing, leaving me in my silent anguish of something he could never possibly understand. I sat there with Orion for cycles, the thought of leaving him again didn't dare cross my processor. It wasn't until Knockout returned much later that my vision broke after not leaving Orion's face the entire evening.

Knockout awkwardly shuffled up to me, unsure of attempting to oust me from the room again I'm sure. Reluctantly I let Orion's servo slip from my own and stood before the medic could speak. I walked over to the door, glancing back at him over my shoulder. "Take care of him." I breathed with a pleading undertone in my voice that I myself had not known was in me. The doctor nodded solemnly, readying to take another analysis of Orion's symptoms. I left him in his care, and could only hope for the best.

Orion remained in his deep stasis for the following week. I visited him daily in his chambers, not being able to stay away for long. I had even put together a temporary berth on the floor where I attempted sleep from then on. Some may say I had become obsessed with him, and in truth maybe I had. It could have been the ache that compelled me to do so, that grew into a neediness to be by his side. The remorse and sick taste of regret churned bitterly through my systems. I yearned to be able to do something, anything to make things better again. I grimaced at the fleeting thoughts of such chances I had foolishly let pass by. Primus, it was a curse. The memories playing over and over again in my head, visions of what I should have done plaguing me. It was all my fault, was all that I could think. I had done this, and I deserved to feel this way. If Orion, no, if Optimus ever recovers… I will let him go return to his Autobots. I no longer believe that I deserve him after what I put him through; I don't deserve any form of happiness.

It quickly became obvious to everyone that I had gone into a depression. Despite Soundwave's effort to pull me from it, and even Knockout's attempts at psychological help, I had only sunk deeper into the crevice of the bottomless pit of my demise. Everything around me had turned into blurred images and moments passed by. _I felt nothing._ It was a miracle I even got around to refueling, if only to drown out the world even more. It took all of the strength I had left in my emotionally drained systems to leave him. And even if I did manage to allow him out of my sight, it was never for long as my thoughts began to wander and scheme of things gone wrong while I was out. The paranoia was the worst of it, creating delusions in my processor I couldn't possibly handle had they been real. These hallucinations I felt every waking moment I could not even hope to escape in recharge. When I slept the dreams took over, so lucid and real. I often woke with systems flaring warnings, my sensors blaring with _fear_ those waking nights. Fear had been something so foreign to me not too long ago, but now had manifested itself closely to my spark. It twitched and flared up like cold lightning pulsing through my chassis. It tore me apart and left me numb.

Knockout had tried his best questioning how I was feeling, trying to get an idea of what I was going through, what the solution could be. I couldn't explain these wretched feelings though, my swelling pride still present. Never would I bring myself so low, admit such weakness, no matter what. It sure wouldn't help Optimus, and he was all that mattered now. I scolded the doctor, telling him my condition was unimportant. The status of Optimus Prime was of highest significance and required all of the medic's attention. A little bit of my normal self returned with the rage but quickly diminished and left me back once more in a state of apathy.

The time came when I couldn't bring myself to leave the room anymore. I found myself lying on that floor motionless with no desire to move. I heard the murmurings from outside the door of any passerby's, I had never known the drones had conversations till then. It was funny how much I had not known about my own ship or soldiers, learning more than I had in a day than I had in an entire earth year just by sitting still and listening. They talked, they gossiped, they even made jokes. Lately the gossip had been all about me and Optimus, how I had finally lost it. Thinking about it like that, maybe I had gone insane. I'd never just sat so deep in thought and listened like this before, not since my days back in Kaon anyway. Memories of philosophical conversations I used to have with Orion came to mind and I felt a warm smile spread across my lip components. We used to talk so much then… exchanged our ideas for the future, for Cybertron. The both of us we're of the same mind, we wanted the same thing for our world. The smile left my face then, replaced by a grim line. Our ideals were not the same though; it had all been a lie. I thought he was on my side… but he, he betrayed me in front of the council! He toyed with me… became a prime, had deceived me from the start. I felt my spark tearing again, my feelings split once more. The contradicting feelings were another aspect I couldn't get rid of. The love, the hate… It felt like Primus and Unicron were playing tug a war with my very spark. I needed closure, for this mental battle to finally end.

I turned my helm from the ceiling I had been staring at pointlessly while my thoughts raced to the still frame on the berth above me. I saw his chest heave with subtle intakes, just barely as his system continued to automatically cycle. The sound of medical equipment whirring as it worked was a low drawl in the background. My optics looked over the tubes hooked up to him, feeding him energon, keeping him alive. I still lay flat on the floor as I watched the blue liquid glide through the delicate tubing. It glistened with a soft glow, blue like his optics. I sighed, having somewhat regained sense of reality. I still didn't want to believe it was real.

I was startled from my thoughts at the opening of the door. How pitiful I must have looked splayed on the floor like this. I didn't want to see who it was, I hoped they would just shut the door and leave. The sound of their pedes came to an abrupt halt. They sounded much to light to be Knockout's, but too clinky to be Soundwave's… almost like the dainty tapping of-

"Lord Megatron?" I heard the voice question hesitantly and I felt my spark snap.  
I could recognize that raucous vocalizer anywhere. My optics flashed to the unexpected visitor, and I saw his widened optics staring down at me questionably. He idled by the doorframe, clearly expecting something from me, probably wondering what in the allspark I was doing on the floor at the foot of a berth holding the Autobot leader of all mechs.

"Starscream…" I managed to say, still not quite in touch with reality. On any normal day I would have beaten him to slag, but I still lay plastered to the floor, almost as confused as the twiggy seeker must have been. I had been so transfixed with Optimus that I had nearly forgotten the traitorous flyer. His wings became perplexed as he glanced over at the fallen prime before looking back at me again.

"Master.." He spoke again, almost appearing speechless. "What has become of you?" He questioned, stepping towards me. I continued to glare at him, not in the mood to speak. I hadn't the energy to deal with him. I shut my optics and tried to shut him out, returning to my silent sulking on the floor. I heard him grit his denta and lightly hiss. His mood changed, I felt the anger bloom in his energy field. He was disappointed, I couldn't understand why, I didn't care to know either.

"Megatron… you slagger!" He seethed, but my optics remained closed. "Open your optics and look at me!" He commanded and I didn't even so much as twitch. I heard him stomp closer and stop just next to me, close enough for me to tear him down, but I didn't. He leaned in and spat, "I came back to the Decepticons for forgiveness, to rejoin the cause. But this? Is this really what I have returned to? What is going on here!?" He shrieked, his anger fizzling back to questioning confusion. When I still refused to answer him, he kicked my fusion cannon. "You are not Megatron." He spat coldly. "You truly are not fit to be leader." He finished, solemn and dissatisfied. I heard every undertone in his voice, could feel the discontent that shuddered through his wings.

My optics opened then and I stared back up at him. He wasn't looking at me now, just staring impassively out the window. His face was emotionless, but I saw through it. Starscream and I, I must admit, had a strange love affair. After Orion and I had fallen out, the young air commander had been the next to claim my attention. It was nothing like my relationship with Orion, though it did seem I had the ability to attract traitors. Nevertheless with Starscream it was more passion and lust that brought us together, excitement rather than dare I say…any form of love. It was always a game, one that had quickly grown violent. He did not know of my past relations to Optimus, not that they mattered to him.

I saw his gaze return to Optimus, I watched him think. If he tried anything I would offline him permanently. His gaze snapped back to mine. I saw so many questions in them, but all he muttered was, "Why?" I couldn't answer him, just as I couldn't answer Knockout or Soundwave. I didn't want any of this anymore, I felt anger rise back into me and I sat up. "Why do you care?" I slurred out with a raspy vocalizer, not caring to receive an answer. "Shouldn't you be happy? Isn't this a moment of golden opportunity for you, Starscream?" I mocked and let out a light chuckle, still sitting slumped over on the floor. Starscream definitely looked offended at this, his wings lowered and optics narrowed. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you now then, my dear lord." He threatened, and I only laughed more. "Go right ahead; amuse me." I continued to ridicule carelessly. He got down on my level then and grasped my shoulders. "What is wrong with you!?" He questioned and slapped me across the face . That action was a major wake up call, and I roughly shoved the seeker off of me and stood up. "That's more like it." Starscream stated having been sent flying right onto his aft. I glared down at him. "Enough…" I sighed, "I tire of your charades." His optics narrowed again. "My charades? Then what is it exactly that you are doing here, master?" He stood and walked over to the berth, looking intently down at Optimus. "Might I ask why your most loathed enemy lays here on medical support… why you haven't slagged the one you want offlined most when he lays right here? Talk about golden opportunities." He retorted. I felt my anger rise again at this and grunted angrily at his accusation, "You understand nothing, Starscream!" I shouted, the rush of rage coursing through my systems bringing me back to my normal self. It had made me aware that with Starscream's return, he had also brought with him my fleeting sanity.

The burning energy between the two of us awoke me from my depression, brought me back to the reality I had been shutting out since Optimus fell into prolonged stasis. I watched him circle the berth, studying Optimus, assessing the situation. He returned his smoldering red optics to me. "Then tell me, _lord_!" He shouted back. "Tell me what is going on here; what happened to you?!" He demanded, shaking his helm in disbelief. It was then I knew… that he already had an idea of what exactly was going on here. The smoldering rage in his optics gave way to anguish, I saw pain. That cursed ache I felt had infected Starscream as well, I knew that was half the reason that brought him back here now. It was obvious he still had feelings for me in our twisted relationship, but I knew that I had no desire to continue with said relationship anymore. I averted my gaze. "It's none of your concern." I responded coldly, staring at Optimus's sleeping form as I spoke. I felt his energy go rigid. "Well then." He finally replied after a moment's hesitation. "I guess we're through here then."

I listened to his clinky pedes leave the room and sighed. Something inside me almost felt sorry for him. I knew if it hadn't been for Orion, I still would've been with the delicate seeker. He would get over it, I was never good to the fool anyway. Memories of the countless beatings from me he had endured came to mind. I had made him suffer more than most would ever be willing to stick around for… yet he always came back. He was a traitor, but the most loyal traitor I had ever met. I had given him so many second chances, but in reality he deserved them for the way I had been. Primus, I can't even believe what I'm saying anymore. Something in me had changed. All this time I've spent here introspecting, analyzing my life and actions, I never noticed. It was as if I saw things from a new light. I realized now, by looking in from the outside, that I was the only one holding myself back. Everything had always been my fault, deep down I always knew, but only now did I see why. My foolishness had brought me here to this point in time. I was here though, still alive, and so was Optimus. Fate was in my servos, it was my choices that would affect where it went from here on out. I would pay more attention to that now; I no longer wanted to hurt anyone like that anymore. The way I had been with Starscream, I would never do that to Optimus or anyone else ever again for that matter.

Returning to Optimus's berthside, I took his servo within mine and kneeled. Stroking it, I began to air new promises to him. It did not matter to me that he probably couldn't hear me, something within me still felt a need to talk to him as he slept. Maybe some part of me even hoped that he could hear against what all logic stated. "I'll be better." I breathed. "You'll see, when you wake up, that I have changed. I will never hurt you again." I promised and placed a light kiss on his helm before leaving the room.

I would not give up the Decepticons, the cause I still believed in. I would change for him though, become a better mech than I had recently demonstrated. It was time I gave up that violent persona I had adopted. First… I would apologize to Starscream.

* * *

Oh my Primus, so sorry for taking so long to update! I had the most rotten case of writers block while trying to work on this the past month, you have no idea. Every time I sat and tried to work on this it just wasn't coming to me... and I didn't want to just throw something stupid together. I honestly wasn't sure where to go with this after throwing OP into a coma. I didn't want to bring him back this chapter, so I needed something else to occupy the time. I suddenly thought one day, who better than Starscream? So tell me what you guys think, do you like where I'm going with this? I love to hear from you guys!~

_Starscream: Of course you need me around to liven up this story... who better indeed? *snicker*  
__Knockout: Screamer, she only brought you in as a last resort, my part is much more important~  
Starscream: hmph, your just there to do your silly medic thing  
__Sanity: ladies, ladies... you're both important, calm your afts.  
Starscream+Knockout: B-but!  
Sanity: *crosses arms* __  
__Starscream+Knockout: ...yes ma'am_

_Starscream: *whispers* I'm still her favorite character though XP Please review!_

**~My reviewer collection~  
_You're all awesome! Thank you so much for the support!_**

Thelittlemonster17

Paris

DragoPrime

KuuranKukka

LeviPrime


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